40 from 58

It is 10 am and it is a balmy day at Mor Paeng Waterfall. As we climb up the steps and then little footholds made into slippery rocks to reach the upper parts of the waterfall, I feel my body freeze. I have a disproportionate fear of slipping - a leftover from an old injury that resulted in a painful and slow healing fracture. I know now to breathe deeply and regulate my system...so I carefully get to the top where the water cascades over the edge.

The water is fresh and with no sunlight penetrating the foliage overhead, it feels more than cool. The lure of water is always irresistible to me and soon I am sitting under the cascade. Immersed...I am carried away in the bliss of the moment. When I am finally ready to come out, I see that I am unable to get a grip on the slippery rocks and raise myself up. I ask Urja for help and grab his outstretched hand to get up. I am putting all my weight on his hand and making no attempt to lift myself up simultaneously. FROZEN...I am breathing and I know I am a second away from panicking. Urja also knows the drill (16 years traveling with me all over the world) and he sharply reminds me: Lift! I have little memory of how I got to standing and then came downstream to a little pool.

Minutes (maybe many) later, I am laying in the water, looking at the sky and slowly noticing my breath and my center. Immediatley, the inner critic begins to berate. "What is wrong with me?" "I should know better" "Will I ever become fit, be more stable on my feet?"

Eventually the bliss of being in cool water, the beauty of the surroundings, the gorgeous weather win and I switch frequencies from the inner critic. I tune into the wonder of the moment and then an insight pops into my brain like a flash: In a few days (40 to be exact), I will enter my 58th biological year. This body will complete 57 cycles around the sun. And this moment...when I am 56 years 325 days in the body...will never ever come again. I will never look like this again, I will never feel my body in this manner, I will never have all the faculties and abilities that I have right now.

And the enormity of that hits me so hard...a zen stick in the middle of my chest. I notice the splendor of my heartbeat and I close my eyes in gratitude. Aah this!